#778

What do you call a tax that guitarists pay for each musical idea?

A ta-riff.

#777

A: You rank people according to how they cry?

B: Yes, indeed. You're pretty good, you're in the second highest tear.

#776

Eugenia was very sensitive about the dirt under her nails. Any mention of it made her extremely an-gry.

#775

A: So, it looks like she's been working as a baby sitter?

B: Au-pair-ently.

#774

A: Be a dear and turn on the kettle.

B: Deer are typically incapable of operating household appliances.

#773

What do you call the allowance given to the elderly for stationery expenses?

Pen-sion.

#772

A: They said that they would prefer the artwork on the wall at the top of the hill rather than the bottom, and they've paid us more than enough to paint it up there. We owe it to them.

B: I knew you would take the mural high ground.

#771

As the rate of scientific discoveries increases, new physical models of the universe are a paradigm a dozen.

#770

Before working at the Large Hadron Collider, applicants must undergo a long process of disCERNment.

#769

A: I'm an avid collector of-

B: So am I!

A: Of what?

B: You just said it. Aphids.

#768

What do you call a secret, exclusive group of fruit growers?

An apricoterie.

#767

What did Kevin Rudd say when he realised that his fly was undone?

"I've got to zip."

#766

A: I had a dream in which I was on a large revolving merry-go-round, with painful unresolved memories from my past being played out in the other seats. I was terrified. What do you think it means?

B: Don't go near airports.

A: Why?

B: You're clearly afraid of baggage carousels.

#765

Nata didn't think that she would enjoy fishing, but soon, she was hooked.

#764

The truck driver stared flabbergasted at the gas station attendant, who was tenderly caressing his vehicle.

"Fill, not feel! I said, fill it up!"

#763

A horse walks into a bar. The bartender asks, "Why the long face?"

The horse replies, "It's hard to be happy when you're wearing a sad-dle."

The alcoholic observing this does some serious thinking and quits drinking that very night.

#762

What tree makes sick people more unwell?

A sick-a-more.

#761

A group of musicians who play their instruments with the bases of their hands instead of their fingers is known as a wristband.

#760

What sounds like striking a mallet and grabs people's attention when worn on the head?

A striking mullet.

#759

What did the train driver say to the indecisive tourists who wanted to travel to another state?

"It's my way or the highway."

#758

A: Oh no! I've run out of hay!

B: Don't worry, I'll bale you out.

#757

A: I've been throwing up all day.

B: Poor retch.

#756

A: The strongest tremors were felt at the factory that produces anti-allergy injections.

B: I suppose you could call it the epicentre.

#755

A: I'm having a great time in Rome.

B: Are you going to change your hair colour when you leave?

A: Why?

B: You know the saying. "See Rome and dye."

#754

What did the lapidary yell at the thieves as they ran away with his gems?

"Jewel regret this!"

#753

It is common to see nuns in a convent, since this is their natural habit-at.

#752

Wallace claimed to have bronze skin, but no one could see any tan-gible proof.

#751

After a bitter dispute over who would keep the sweet sauce, the divorce court decided on joint custard-y.

#750

Teacher: Use the word eiderdown in a sentence.

Student: A fluctuating value cannot stay the same - it must go eiderdown or up.

#749

The Dutch businessman took out his social anxiety on his personal assistant. Whenever he met someone for the first time, he would shake Hans.

#748

What did the Jedi drug dealer say to thwart the police from his illegal steroids?

"These aren't the roids you're looking for."