#597

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: Des-pise were delicious, so I ate them.

#596

Largo? Ain't nobody got time for that.

#595

After his salad leaves were stolen, Cedric was cress-fallen.

#594

Unable to support the weight of the enormous lettuce, the ocean liner disappeared beneath the waves. It was not the first time that a ship had been sunk by an iceberg.

#593

Where does Gollum perform his burlesque show?

In the Sméagol-tent.

#592

A beginner at chess is called a rook-ie.

#591

What kind of arthritis makes sufferers more inclined to spread gossip?

Rumour-tism.

#590

Giles didn't like attending auctions, so he hired a servant to do his bidding.

#589

The situation in the Middle East is becoming quite Syria-s.

#588

If I were a homeless beggar, and someone gave me some money, I would thank them and add, "I love you. No hobo."

#587

A: Those people are fighting because none of them have any loose change.

B: Oh no! Please stop this cents-less violence!

#586

Hansel and Gretel were particularly delighted to find that their room in the gingerbread house had an en-sweet bathroom.

#585

What do you call a pattern made out of adjacent, interlocking curtain ornaments?

A tassel-lation.

#584

It is widely believed that Helen would not have been abducted had she been Troying hard enough to avoid it.

#583

Michael the algebra policeman considered incorrect denominators to be a minor infraction.

#582

As the dressmaker tried to skirt around every question, Susan felt the suspicion that a detective always feels when all is not as it seams. She knew that if she connected the loose threads, there would be a pattern here somewhere. She knew that she had to tighten her questioning, and hem in this dressmaker. Perhaps, then, she would stop weaving lies and fanciful fabrications, and give Susan some information with which she could stitch up this case.

#581

"Good morning, Mr - what was it? - ah yes, Bond, Mr Bond. I'm Toby, from Toby and Sons Carpentry. I'm here to put up that shelf you wanted ... No, I'm not a spy ... No, I'm not a secret agent ... No, I'm not going to bug your living room ... Look, Mr Bond, I'm just here to do your shelf. I'm a registered carpenter - look, can you see this? This is my license to drill."

#580

"Nice to see you, Mr Bond, please take a seat ... what'll it be today, the usual trim? Short back and sides? You wouldn't fancy a blonde tint or some red highlights? No? No matter, we can always ... dye another day."

#579

Molly tried to campaign against headscarves, but to no a-veil.

#578

My hobby: teaching hardened criminals new vocabulary.

"You best watch out, or I'mma rebuke yo' ass!"

#577

Eliza practised pronouncing the letter 'h' every day; achieving proper diction was her greatest aspiration.

#576

Billy had got almost everything wrong in the class test; he wasn't sure whether the teacher had marked his paper or used it to play noughts and crosses.

#575

Horace found NFL video games to be Maddeningly infuriating.

#574

There was a shriek from the DJ's table; it seemed that she had slipped a disc.

#573

Teacher: Define the word buttress.

Student: A buttress is the imprint that your butt makes in a mattress.

#572

A: While we've been standing on these moving stairs, we've gone up three floors.

B: Well, that escalated quickly.

#571

After a glass sabre shattered inside him, the sword-swallower was spitting chips for hours.

#570

Did you not give your children any warm clothes to brave the winter frost? This is snow way to look after them.

#569

The First Guy: Don't get me wrong, I like cheese as much as the next guy.

The Next Guy: But I hate cheese.

The First Guy: Well, this is awkward.

#568

Which martial art involves the preparation of traditional Hebrew bread?

Jew-dough.

#567

A high definition television is an ideal present for the first of January, as it provides a good resolution for the New Year.