#321

A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?

B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.

#320

The golf club was sick of being the designated driver.

#319

A: What artist are you listening to?

B: The [mumbled gibberish].

A: The who?

B: Yes, them!

#318

The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.

#317

"Winners are wieners!"

It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.

#316

A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.

B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.

A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.

B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.

A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.

B: You don't see the point of a mouse?

A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.

B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.

A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.

B: Well, mice like cheese.

#315

1. Fix my bucket.
2. Kill Liza.

Henry's bucket list was remarkably succinct.

#314

If spices were celebrities, aniseed would be a star.

#313

A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY

The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.

The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.

We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.

The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.

#312

Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".

#311

A: I have a puzzle to solve.

B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!

A: That didn't solve anything.

B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.

#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

#303

Slaughter: it's just laughter with an 's'.

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.