#566

A: My feet are really sore from wearing stilettos all night.

B: Don't worry, I'm sure they'll heel.

#565

Police officers have a very demanding job - there are no easy cop-outs.

#564

As world markets plummeted, investors looked to the furniture industry to cushion the fall.

#563

What is the name for the cut of beef taken from the crotch of a nobleman's cow?

Sirloin.

#562

In hindsight, it was probably unwise to hang mistletoe above the doorway to the sexual health clinic.

#561

What is a hobbit's favourite sex toy?

A bilbo.

#560

After the birth of Jesus, Joseph went outside to search, in vain, for some water for Mary. Never before had he been in a town without a public water supply. This was the first No Well.

#559

Why did the pirate rattle his treasure chest?

He wanted to shake his booty.

#558

Doctor Who's landlord was happy to renew his lease; he was a very good Tennant.

#557

Which Chinese hospital drama is often confused with a British science science fiction show?

Doctor Hu.

#556

The Secret Agent Duck remained silent during three days of interrogation, but, eventually, he quacked under pressure.

#555

Freud was not an efficient carpenter - he kept trying to deconstruct the shelf.

#554

"The group therapy session for all the psych patients who think that they are quadrilaterals is at 4pm! Be there or be ... well, this is awkward."

#553

Christa had no patience for people who didn't have toes; she was lack-toes intolerant.

#552

Frodo Baggins's post-traumatic stress disorder made him a terrible best man - he disappeared halfway through Sam's wedding, muttering something about "taking these rings to Mordor".

#551

The second last thing that humans invent will be the perfect writing device. It shall be humanity's pen-ultimate achievement.

#550

Helen struggled to resolve the internal conflict between her desire to have customers in her shop and her dislike of feeling patronised.

#549

The souls in the Elysian Fields were aware that they were despised by the damned, but they dismissed this animosity, reflecting that those in Hades gonna hate.

#548

Albert the elephant never blew his nose in company, as he knew that it would be more appropriate to keep his junk in his trunk.

#547

What do flatfish do when taken out of water?

Flounder.

#546

What did Yoda say when knitting blankets in Australia?

"Do or doona, there is no try."

#545

Sandwich Hand A: "Sandwich Hand B! I believe that you are not well-bread at all!"

Sandwich Hand B: "You insult my honour! I cannot forgive this. Since we are sandwich hands, we will settle this according to tradition. I challenge you to a wrap battle."

Sandwich Hand A: "I accept your challenge. I must warn you, you will be toast."

Sandwich Hand B: "There isn't a grain of truth in that."



I'm on a roll today.

#544

I think that spontaneous humour is wonderful; I love inci-dental puns. Sometimes I just want to spit out something fresh, something into which I can really sink my teeth, something that rolls off the tongue nicely. If you've got a bad filling about this by now, please pardon my gum-ption, and brace yourself: we're going to get to the root of this matter. You know the drill.

If you truly eschew puns, then, oh well. Your floss. After all, they are intended for a refined palate. If you ever change your mind, you can come back here to brush up on your repertoire.

#543

A: Ew! We're standing in a garden patch!

B: I see that there is a plot afoot.

#542

What is the term for staccato markings in accordion sheet music?

Polka dots.

#541

What did the judge with obsessive-compulsive disorder say?

"Order, order!"

#540

What do you call a meeting of nuns?

A convention.

#539

I love the word saliva; it just rolls off the tongue.

#538

Lorence is so homophobic that he won't even eat a Golden Gaytime.

#537

Ever since he was placed in charge of the blender at the milk bar, Sab considered himself to be a smoothie operator.

#536

Laura set high standards for herself when drying grapes; she was always raisin the bar.

#535

"Hey there, handsome. Looking for a good thyme?"

Shane knew that he shouldn't have visited the red-light herb district.

#534

He proposed to her using balloons? What a beautiful way to pop the question.

#533

Several stimulant drugs give their users a feeling of invincibility. If you see a gingerbread man claiming that nobody can catch him, he's probably baked.

#532

Giles wanted a full time job at the nut factory, but all that they could offer him was a cashew-al position.

#531

Goblins are not known for their soap operas - or anything to do with soap.

#530

Kyle had dozed off while making soup; now, as the pot bubbled, he stirred in his sleep.

#529

Some people said that Christian was the complete package; others called him an absolute tool.

#528

What do prisoners use to make calls from jail?

Cell phones.

#527

The chocolate poisoner faced time behind bars.

#526

A: Which way do I wear it?

B: I don't know. Is there a label?

A: It says that this end is the front.

B: Ah, but that might just be a front.

#525

"It has come to our attention, 007, that you have fathered a good many children over the course of your various liaisons. So, MI6 has decided to give you some time off to get to know them. It should be a good ... Bonding experience."

#524

A: I think my Russian friend is gay, but in denial.

B: I see we have a Communist in the closet.

#523

"I've wagered ten quid on Tony trimming the shrubbery, and ten quid on him not doing it. I'm hedging my bets."

#522

A: How long will it take you to make an animated image?

B: I can have it done in a giffy.

#521

The plutocracy of monkeys had turned the zoo into a banana republic.

#520

Sarah the horse had had enough of moving from one rented property to another; now she wanted a stable residence.

#519

I know what metal is used to make computer chips, so any attempt to trick me into believing otherwise is a silly con.

#518

Talking about computer components makes my mother bored.

#517

The unprepared cheerleaders were never going to win the contest - they had no chants.

#516

A study has shown that petting baby ducks is the most effective treatment for depression. So, if you're feeling down, you should try feeling down.

#515

A: You're drinking an entire bottle of vodka?

B: Desperate times call for desperate measures.

#514

Today, pikelets are a breakfast food. However, in the Middle Ages, they were used to skewer barbarianlets.

#513

Why is playing Quidditch like arresting an clandestine informant?

The game ends when you catch the snitch.

#512

Politicians must pay particular attention to firefighters and strippers, as their dealings with these groups have a huge impact on the poles.

#511

The Sound of Music exposes many real problems with the society of its time; most poignantly, the lack of social clubs for goatherds.

#510

Updating the scoreboard at rugby matches was a frustrating task for Jimmy; he found it very trying.

#509

Which chemical element represents fraternal camaraderie?

Bro-mine.

#508

What did the priest say when he saw the incense?

"Holy smokes!"

#507

You seriously want a urine sample? All along I thought you were just taking the piss.

#506

A: Oh no. Oh no, B! I think the cannibals are going to preserve us in vinegar!

B: Well, it seems like we're in a bit of a pickle.

#505

The Lion, The Witch, The Hyperbola, The Parabola And The Wardrobe was the most popular book in the series The Conicals of Narnia.

#504

Mathematics is full of jokes; geometry is particularly conical.

#503

What made ancient Egyptian rulers so attractive?

Pharaoh-mones.

#502

What did the thief do when she was caught robbing the hardware store?

She bolted.

#501

A: Singers with higher voices always sound nicer.

B: That is bassist.

#500

Jumping out of a moving train takes a lot of carriage.

#499

The flame that ignited the Big Bang came from a match made in heaven.

#498

Pierre the film critic described Prune Juice as "very moving", and gave it "two thumbs up".

#497

On the pillar was scrawled a warning:

Drug-takers will be stoned.

#496

Most of the people who opposed communism in China were too afraid to Mao-nt a protest.

#495

The sky, the ocean, the jeans, the forget-me-nots, the navy uniforms, the sapphires, and the royal blood all formed a spectacular sight which blue Jay away.

#494

The balloon industry is one of the few to profit from inflation.

#493

I wanted to make a joke about Monica Lewinsky, but I couldn't think of a good gag.

#492

Many female animals, once they reach a certain age, undergo a process known as menopaws.

#491

Fog makes everything look mist-erious.

#490

A: Check out my new tuner. It includes scales!

B: As far as I know, there are always scales on a tuna.

#489

Success in music exams weighs heavily on scales. It also rests upon the use of silence.

#488

What did Yoda say when he was the referee of a rugby match?

"Do or do not, there is no try."

#487

The taxi driver hesitated to drive forward, knowing that it could be dangerous to break ranks.

#486

Hitler appreciated muscular, unintelligent women such as Eva, who was all Braun and no brains.

#485

A rare recording of Hitler singing an early version of Bonnie Tyler's hit Total Eclipse of the Heart has revealed that he was cheating on his girlfriend.

And I need you now tonight,
And I need you more than Eva.

#484

A: Innuendo is -

B: No, in your end-o.

#483

A: Do you like any kind of fish?

B: Well, I'm totally addicted to bass.

#482

A: We might use material from trees, but it depends on a few things.

B: Ah, I see, a conditional wood.

#481

Normal people: "What's happening?"

Brass musicians: "What's the buzz?"

#480

How to make any tragedy more fun:

Insert "death" in place of a syllable in the original statement.

Example 1

A: Twelve people were killed today in an accident on the highway.

B: Highway? More like deathway!

Example 2

A: Three thousand people perished as the cruise liner sank.

B: Cruise liner? More like death liner!

Example 3

A: Oh no! No! No, this can't be happening!

B: What's wrong?

A: My whole family! They're dead!

B: How?

A: They were on an aeroplane, and it crashed!

B: Aeroplane? More like deathroplane!

#479

The fruit filled pastries were one of the bakery's most popular products; they always had a high turnover.

#478

Sopranos are more likely to take drugs than any other type of singer; this is why they are always so high.

And irrational, neurotic, irritable, violent, incapable of following simple instructions, prone to mood swings, and generally insane.

#477

What do you call a quintet of altos?

An alfoot.

#476

I wouldn't pay more than a pair of five dollar notes for a tenor.

#475

Why are basses the best at reading poetry?

They can make anything sound deep.

#474

What happened when the police caught the criminal with heart problems?

They placed him under cardiac arrest.

#473

I feel that Slenderman is promoting an unrealistic body image among young people.

#472

The furniture disagreed about who should be the chair of their meeting.

#471

Lady Gaga is very popular among the cast of Sesame Street, all of whom identify as little monsters.

#470

If we sugarcoat our surveillance cameras, we may be able to catch people on candied camera.

#469

Martin hated cricket - to him, it looked like the same thing over and over again.

#468

The art of Jackson Pollock fetches very high prices - some people will really splash out for his work.

#467

The haemotologist and the hip hop producer found some solidarity as they lamented the difficulty of finding good samples.

#466

Sean's loose, expansive walking style drew people towards him; they felt invited by his open gait.

#465

There are many terrible stigmas associated with plant reproduction.

#464

Noah was the only person in his time with the necessary knowledge for his task, which most people dismissed as arkane.

#463

A: Do you know the young swan who signed this?

B: Yes, I am acquainted with the cygnetory.

#462

What did Yoda say to the uncertain baker?

"Do or doughnut, there is no try."

#461

Why is surgery like Commedia dell'Arte?

All participants are required to wear masks in the theatre.

#460

Requiring that people have RSAs to serve alcohol is a classic example of one of Althusser's RSAs.

#459

Why is the name Saed like a rave party?

Without the E, it's just sad.

#458

The geometer, the pastry chef, and the percussionist all became involved in a love triangle.

#457

Pressing control-A is the highlight of my day.

#456

The toothbrush designer, deeply offended, bristled with indignation.

#455

Max hated transvestite meetings - they always tended to drag.

#454

I want to start a Twitter account, but I'm afraid that I would make a hash of it.

#453

When she couldn't think of a rice recipe, Imogen the chef always had a last risotto.

#452

Sam was going to use his slimline gamepad to play the Thomas the Tank Engine game, but he soon realised that he really ought to use a fat controller.

#451

It was time to transmit electricity, and Camden the cable knew that he had to lead the charge.

#450

The only error in Leonard's performance had been an accidentally flattened third, but he considered that to be a minor glitch.

#449

The Owl and the Pussy-cat went to sea, not in a pea-green boat, but in an owl-and-catamaran.

#448

Once people start talking about kangaroos, a reference to the way they move is bound to be made.

#447

A: I'm thinking about making a horror computer game.

B: May I please slend-a hand?

#446

Ensure that your computer has enough RAM, or ewe may risk looking sheepish.

#445

I know that it's wrong to connect puppies to batteries, but it's so electrocute!

#444

The floorboards, ceilings, walls, and doors had spent all day preparing themselves to be judged by an independent panel.

#443

Passionate about her campaign, the painter tried to canvas support. However, after she was framed for a crime, most people brushed her off easelly.

#442

Songs about loneliness constitute the genre known as sole music.

#441

What did the man say when the bus ran over him?

"I'm crushed."

#440

Silvi couldn't stop watching films starring women with superpowers. She had to face it: she had a heroine addiction.

#439

For Catherine, arithmetic was dull; there was nothing that could make her feel number.

#438

Sophie the sock had had enough of enduring the oppression of the washing machine. It was time to break the cycle.

#437

What is the most popular song of empowerment among endangered seals?

Flo Rida feat David Guetta - Club Can't Handle Me

#436

Allow me to make you an ice cream. After all, I owe you a flavour.

#435

Carrie was a great matchmaker. She could always help people to ignite a flame.

#434

I have news of a recent advancement in wizarding technology. The latest wands are fitted with a spell checker.

#433

Freshwater crustaceans - they be cray cray.

#432

I would teach you how to shoot without aiming down the sight, but I'm afraid that that would be outside the scope of this course.

#431

If you hear someone use the description "cheap as chips", it is wise to clarify whether they are referring to potato or silicon.

#430

Many farm animals are devoutly religious. Most of them are Cattle-ics.

#429

How does a porpoise give its official approval?

With its endorsal fins.

#428

Why are porpoises always smiling?

They always have endor-fins.

#427

A: My exercise regime has worked well. I'm such a tank!

B: A tank? More like a Panzy.

#426

How does Mario access the Internet?

Using a web Bowser.

#425

Rodney the ambitious businessman was not satisfied with making a living. He intended to make a killing.

#424

Judges don't do dating. They do courtship.

#423

Where are perfumes manufactured?

In an olfactory.

#422

The arms industry made a killing out of the last war.

#421

A: Stop trying to drink away your problems. No alcohol will help you to put that shelf together.

B: What if I have a Screwdriver?

#420

What did the pig apply to his rash?

Oinkment.

#419

Why must the Queen be at every procession? She always has to reign on our parade.

#418

Teacher: Use the word urinal in a sentence.

Student: If you can't make it to the bathroom in time, ur-in-a-lot of trouble.

#417

A: Did you notice any Norse gods around here?

B: No, nothing out of the Odinary.

#416

What do you call an unusual imperfection in food?

An om-nom-anomaly.

#415

A: The amputee told on me? What a goody-one-shoe!

B: Careful, if he hears you, he'll really put his foot down. Not that he can lift it.

#414

Abandoned by her former fellow humans as she jerkily staggered along, Lila the zombie felt that she had been left in the lurch.

#413

Baking chocolate sweets will earn you brownie points.

#412

Despite the creative attempts of Jim's lawyer, "getting into the Olympic spirit" and "misinterpreting the meaning of breast stroke" was not a valid defence for indecent assault.

#411

A: Fifty bucks is too much for a burger!

B: It is very deer.

#410

"And this is my friend Leila. She lost her eyes about ten years ago. Hey, Leila! Long time no see!"

#409

What did Oliver Twist say in the Indian restaurant?

"Please can I have samosa?"

#408

Why is graphic design like performing baptisms?

You have to choose a font.

#407

The mad scientist often argued with his laboratory equipment, but he could never have the last word with the retort stand.

#406

Models are used to being photographed; this is why they are such snappy dressers.

#405

I hate playing International Relations Uno with her. She always plays the race card.

#404

Carl, whose only skill was jumping from one pony to another at full gallop, had a brief circus career, since no one wants to see a one-trick pony, even if he is a one-two-pony-trick pony, because that sounds like someone using a pony's inability to count in order to deceive it, which is just mean.

#403

What's the best part of a cooking contest?

The nom-ination process.

#402

"If you're an amputee and you know it, clap your - oh. Never mind."

Some people may find this offensive, but I say it's just an armless joke.

#401

Many people exercise to tone their body, hoping to obtain, among other things, a gluteus minimus.

#400

Embroidery is sew totally awesome.

#399

Helmut is a designer who has combined his passion for underwear and food storage, creating pantryhose and larderhosen.

#398

Why is underage drinking illegal?

To avoid minor hiccups.

#397

Given the option of the euro, Britain is debating whether to remain bound to the pound, or to call it quids.

#396

What do you call someone whom birds can easily persuade to surrender his food?

Gullible.

#395

What did the funk musician say to the driver of his van when he wanted it moved to a road over a river?

"Take it to the bridge."

#394

A girl-ant sinks in water. A boy-ant floats.

#393

The Netherlands has a surprising level of homophobia for a country that relies so heavily on dykes.

#392

For Graham, the experience of losing his eyelids in a laboratory accident proved to be a real eye-opener.

#391

On which Greek island were boxes invented?

Crete.

#390

Troubled by constipation, Stella sought a spiritual director, to teach her to let go.

#389

The torturer found that the electric chair was his most effective device. Its victims always confessed to being guilty as charged.

#388

It don't matter if you're black or white.

The motive for the suicide of Michael Jackson's chess teacher remains a mystery.

#387

At the start of a book, the names of all those who are satisfied with it are listed. This list is called the contents.

#386

A: We are willing to negotiate a pro bono scheme for you.

B: Bono? Why does this concern U2?

A: It concerns me because I am making you this offer. It all hinges, of course, on you accepting the medical experiment.

B: The probe? Oh, no!

A: Yes, the pro bono. It relies on you agreeing to a painless procedure which will be carried out using a totally safe device called the UpRobo.

B: UpRobo? No!

A: Yes, a pro bono. I believe that we have already established that.

#385

In hindsight, it was probably a bad idea to serve spotted dick at the herpes support group's annual luncheon.

#384

On her first day of work at the nursing home, Madeleine learned that the "here comes aeroplane" technique was not effective with suppositories.

#383

It is best not to argue with waiters, or tennis players, as there is a high risk of being served.

#382

Why do Peking ducks have long necks?

So that they can peek.

#381

Sherlock Holmes surveyed the bed.

"There are no blankets," he observed. "This bed is quite bare."

"No sheet, Sherlock," agreed Doctor Watson.

#380

In a monarchy, reasonable people by themselves pose no threat, and tea is harmless, of course. However, when tea and reason are combined, they can result in treason.

#379

In the Middle Ages, landowners who tried to leave their property to their daughters were often executed for the crime of heiressy.

#378

The warrior princess was perturbed by a strong sense of déjà vu, as if she had Xen-at all before.

#377

The Angel of Death flew through the land, striking dead the first-born son of every Egyptian family, in the world's first heir-raid.

#376

Alone once more with his computers, consoles, and other gadgets, Martin took a moment to relish the feeling. He loved being left to his own devices.

#375

A: Don't worry, my friend. I've got your back.

B: Aah! How will I stand? Give it back! Give it back!

#374

What do you call a bone movement specialist from Egypt?

A Cairopractor.

#373

The courageous invertebrate wanted to prove once and for all that he was not, as his critics often claimed, spineless.

#372

Jack's demonstration of the correct and healthy way to sit was met with some suspicion. Many among his audience felt that he was just posturing.

#371

A: What does 'unisex' mean?

B: I think it's what engineering students do.

#370

The pirate's assistants revelled in crewde humour.

#369

The greatest fear of a librarian is passing the point of no return.

#368

The favourite video game of herbologists is the classical Fennel Fantasy series.

#367

As he sat down beside his his favourite cow, the farmer realised that he had an audience. Reaching for the udder, he knew that he was going to milk this for all it was worth.

#366

Tired of suffering under the farmer's tyrannical rule, the chickens rose up in a coop d'état.

#365

The notes and coins repeatedly tried to unite, but, time and again, they were thwarted by denominational differences.

#364

I propose an award to acknowledge the person who most successfully managed to fake something at some point in the process of staging a musical. It would be called the Fast Tony.

#363

Samson's show was a huge success. He always brought the house down.

#362

A: I can see people wandering aimlessly around the building where grain is ground to make flour. What are they doing?

B: I expect they're milling.

#361

Why did has he joined a group of desert-dwelling nomads? There are so many other things that he could Bedouin.

#360

For centuries, many theologians have believed that gays are destined for hell. Here lies the origin of the term "flaming homosexuals".

#359

A: How's your holiday in Cuba going?

B: I'm Havana great time.

#358

As the opera singers' muscles were hyperextended in the torture racks, Gaspar leant back and enjoyed the melodious strains.

#357

Many people feel that decisions made by their national reserve bank are interesting but overrated.

#356

Mike called his gun Vodka, because he used it to do shots.

#355

I don't want my tomb to be particularly fancy. I'll be happy with something nondes-crypt.

#354

Pierre felt that his critics' claims about his cosmetics were without foundation.

#353

Cow A: I think the farmer's coming to choose one of us for leather!

Cow B: Quick, hide!

#352

Cow A: My sister Klein is giving birth right now.

Cow B: I guess we should call her Calvin' Klein.

#351

Cow A: Patsy's been working out while her children are at music lessons.

Cow B: That explains her nicely toned calves.

#350

Cow A: That calf is six months old and still hasn't uttered a word.

Cow B: Maybe it's moote.

#349

Cow A: What's your favourite film?

Cow B: Moolin Rouge.

#348

Which country has the most effeminate men in Asia?

Campuchea.

#347

The optometrist's disgruntled customer was creating quite a spectacle.

#346

A sleeveless garment is always a good investment.

#345

"You'll never learn, will ye, Angus? We raise our villages, and we raze our enemies' villages. Not the other way round, Angus! Not the other way round!"

#344

Is this a badger that I see before me?

Shakespeare and Farthing Wood are not an effective combination.

#343

Did you hear about the gay android bouncing on a stick who encouraged a solitary homeless man wearing a long-sleeved T-shirt to seize the day?

"Yolo, mofo!" said the robo homo on a pogo to the solo hobo in a polo.

#342

It is widely believed that Marge Simpson is Homer-sexual.

#341

Jack had only performed two executions, but he was already getting the hang of it.

#340

Elly the defence attorney had only represented clients in two cases of indecent assault, but she was already getting the feel of it.

#339

If you see something, say something - preferably something racist and offensive.

#338

Anything is possible when your man smells like Old Spice and is one with the universe.

#337

Mark the real estate agent was yet to learn the difference between ducted heating and a heater held together with duct tape.

#336

Irony is when the word combinatorics is classified as an uncountable noun.

#335

What did the Cookie Monster say when playing the role of Juliet?

O Oreo, Oreo! wherefore art thou Oreo?

#334

When I said mathematician, I meant combinatorist. Other mathematicians don't count.

#333

Where are monks sent to be slaughtered?

An abbot-toir.

#332

Although she generally enjoyed the banter with rival convents, Sister Anne had grown sick of the 'yo momma superior' jokes.

#331

As the Mother Superior's deputy, Rosetta was second to nun.

#330

I don't think any priest could ever have been as excited as the one who realised that, instead of "praising God", one could "laud the Lord".

Well, it would have made me very happy.

#329

Scientists are searching for habitable planets in other star systems, primarily so that lactose intolerant humans need no longer suffer in the Milky Way.

#328

The story of Icarus teaches us that, when things get hot, even the best wingman will fail.

#327

The Bible is full of people being punished for sending out messengers and representatives, warning us against the deadly sin of envoy.

#326

Lincoln is famous for Abe-olishing slavery.

#325

A: I'm sorry, I will not tolerate bees in my house.

B: You're always such a buzzkill!

#324

It is the fat in meat the causes it to remain upright. Thus, meat with little or no fat is called lean meat.

#323

Irony is when an overweight, middle-aged person's hard drive is formatted as FAT32.

#322

Roger the abalone had no friends. He was very abalonely.

#321

A: So, this magnet will exert a force on farm vehicles?

B: Yes, it will work as a tractor attractor.

#320

The golf club was sick of being the designated driver.

#319

A: What artist are you listening to?

B: The [mumbled gibberish].

A: The who?

B: Yes, them!

#318

The most important thing to remember when giving someone flowers is to include the petals. Otherwise you will seem like a stalker.

#317

"Winners are wieners!"

It was sometimes said that the chants of the Worms supporters had been shaped by their decade at the bottom of the table.

#316

A: I'm sick of people calling me a control freak.

B: Maybe it's because you use so many keyboard shortcuts.

A: I can't help it. You know I'm scared of mice.

B: That's true. You and your mouse have never really clicked.

A: Yes, I'm more the keyboard type.

B: You don't see the point of a mouse?

A: I do, but sometimes it can be such a drag. I tend to pretend that it's not there.

B: I've noticed that. When you start your computer, you use your keyboard straight away. You barely give your mouse a cursory glance.

A: Okay, stop. That was too cheesy.

B: Well, mice like cheese.

#315

1. Fix my bucket.
2. Kill Liza.

Henry's bucket list was remarkably succinct.

#314

If spices were celebrities, aniseed would be a star.

#313

A POEM FOR INTERNATIONAL EARTH DAY

The rain comes from the sky above,
The fruit comes from the farmer,
The tax goes to the government,
And everyone's a llama.

The world faces impending doom,
Apocalyptic drama:
The earth will shake, the sky will burn,
And everyone's a llama.

We'll learn to make sustainable,
Each cheesecake, car, pyjama.
We'll learn to treasure nature's gifts,
And everyone's a llama.

The raging clouds will drift away,
The climate will grow calmer,
We'll live as one in harmony,
And everyone's a llama.

#312

Tomorrow is International Mirth Day. It's like International Earth Day, except that you giggle whenever someone says the word "sustainable".

#311

A: I have a puzzle to solve.

B: Your puzzle's sins are forgiven!

A: That didn't solve anything.

B: Oh, you need to solve a puzzle? I thought you needed to absolve a puzzle.

#310

On today's show, we have Dan, a bigot who has had so many heated arguments on the internet that he reads capitals faster than simple letters.

#309

Poor old Les was unlucky in love. Everyone wanted more, and no one wanted Les.

#308

The Email Philosopher believes that life is no more than a series of attachments.

#307

A: What was the Roman Empire's typical method of public execution?

B: Crucifixion?

A: Correct.

B: Yes! Nailed it!

#306

Some fishermen are also necromancers. They salmon spirits.

#305

Why is it so difficult to break up with Star Trek fans?

Because they Klingon.

#304

A: Have you studied psychoanalysis?

B: I'm a-Freud not.

#303

Slaughter: it's just laughter with an 's'.

#302

What was the traditional final meal served to prisoners before they faced the guillotine?

Chops.

#301

But more than anything else, it was the outfit of the Ku Klux Klan that angered him; it really gave him the sheets.

#300

A: Are you saying that you have no idea how she became an amputee?

B: No idea at all. I'm stumped.

#299

A: Why is there a beeping sound whenever I get into bed?

B: That would be my lie detector.

A: But it beeps when I'm trying to go to sleep! I don't say a word!

B: It detects all forms of lying - not only falsehoods, but also stretching out horizontally.

#298

One of Shakespeare's most touching poems was written about a beautiful hole in the ground for drawing water. It is called the Ode of Fair Well.

#297

I refuse to drive large vehicles. I will have no truck with them.

#296

A: Should I attach this tube to the end of the hose?

B: Fo shozzle, ma nozzle.

#295

Teacher: Name three adverbs.

Student: Buy, hurry, save.

#294

The pirate captain's instruction was met with some dissent from his crew, who considered it to be an arrrbitrary decision.

#293

A: Hans thinks that everyone should be allowed to carry weapons.

B: Well, of course. Hands would want to bear arms.

#292

I think that he cheats at chess; that is to say, his actions are not entirely above board.

#291

I'm sick of hearing people talking about Earth Hour. Why won't they just knock it off?

#290

Two's company, three's a crowd, four's is mass times acceleration.

#289

A: My latest culinary creation is based on a traditional Chinese dish, but it's a variation.

B: You're right. It does taste very Asian.

#288

How do socialists start a race?

On their Marx.

#287

A: I just keep wondering, why?

B: Because you have nothing better to do?

#286

Today, I was going to say something about winemaking, but I chose not to, because grape is never a joke.

#285

If you reflect upon the cigarette industry, you will see that it is all smoke and mirrors.

#284

The manufacturer of tennis equipment was charged with racketeering.

#283

I love stringed instruments from the Middle Ages. They sound absolutely beautiful.

#282

1912 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that God can see you.

2012 parent: If you think of doing something naughty, remember that the Google Maps van could be passing.

#281

What do you call an infected cavity of pus on an inflamed six-pack?

An abs-cess.

#280

A: It's not enough to be able to do something. People want you to have a piece of paper saying that you can do it.

B: Are you sure? Perhaps you should qualify that statement.

#279

A: You stepped on my foot!

B: No, I allowed you to experience my heeling touch.

#278

A: Is she getting married?

B: Well, when I called her today, she was engaged.

#277

In many Chinese dialects, folklore and pork roll are pronounced the same.

#276

Memes are all the rage right now.

#275

The solitary moneylender was known for being a loaner.

#274

The photos that she had taken while on holiday in Barley were very grainy.

#273

You're not a seasoned performer until you have been as-salt-ed on stage.

#272

A: How do you know so much about wine?

B: Oh, you know, I hear things on the grapevine.

#271

A: Get up, you frothy hedge-born foot-licker!

B: Well, that was a rude awakening.

#270

A: Do these scissors meet your standards?

B: I'm afraid that they simply don't cut it.

#269

She knew that it would be risky to frolic, but eventually she decided that it was worth the gambol.

#268

Why would erectile dysfunction pose a grave threat to Chinese politics?

It would prevent them from having elections.

#267

I was going to make a pun about Pride and Prejudice, but I decided that it would be too Austentatious.

#266

All dem hos,
Impressed by my derring-do.

Rap never really took off in the eighteenth century.

#265

What kind of clinic treats equine illness?

A horsepital.

#264

My friend is trying to launch a collection of animated shorts. However, it appears that most people prefer garments that remain still on their legs.

#263

I can't believe that none of these buildings have wheelchair access. This is rampant disregard!

#262

Being a duke means more than simply owning property. Equally important is proper etiquette. One must learn to mind one's manors.

#261

What do you call an intersection which includes a shop that sells hot beverages?

A tea junction.

#260

Finding out that he suffered from erectile dysfunction was very hard for him.

#259

The thief escaped; that is to say, he stole away into the night.

#258

It takes six tubas to play twelve-bar blues.

#257

Teacher: Use the expression village green in a sentence.

Student: The one person in any small town who is always ill is called the village green.

#256

I met an utterly deranged man today. He has a cupboard in which he keeps the bones of people who never admitted to being gay. At least, I think that that's what he meant when he said that he had some skeletons in the closet.

#255

The Catholic Church has released a statement in which it expresses its strong opposition to queue-jumping, including testimonies from couples who decided to wait.

#254

This dish of fish looks very in-whiting.

#253

A: That building's about to fall to the ground!

B: I'm glad that you understand the gravity of the situation.

A: That's horribly insensitive! Do you know how many people are going to die when that skyscraper collapses?

B: That's towerible!

A: This is no laughing matter! I cannot stand your heartless mockery any longer.

B: Nor can the building stand any longer.

A: That is enough! You have gone too far. You are being charged with criminal tastelessness. As your punishment, you may choose either to take a corrective course, or to pay a fine.

B: My only options are coarse and fine? Don't you have anything in between? Medium grain, perhaps?

A: There is another option. It involves me shooting you.

B: Oh no! Don't jump the gun! I don't want to bite the bullet!

Pause. A gunshot.

B: What triggered this, A? I barrel-ly said anything.

#252

A: You confused the nominative with the accusative.

B: Well, in that case, I'll fix it.

#251

A: These conical tents are the typical dwelling of the Native Americans of the Great Plains.

B: One could say that they are their teepee-cal dwelling ... A? Where did you get that tomahawk, A?

#250

A: I believe that what was keeping everyone awake was an aesthetic issue.

B: Really? Anaesthetic usually puts people to sleep.

#249

A: You were afraid of a moth?

B: It was enormous!

A: You were afraid of a slightly larger than average moth?

B: This was not simply a large moth. This was a behemoth.

#248

A: Have you seen that magician's trick? It's amazing! Poof! And it's gone!

B: Kind of like a gay pride march.

#247

A: Why are you hitting me with that coin?

B: I'm trying to knock some cents into you.

#246

He would have sued the reckless brain surgeon, but he didn't have the nerve.

#245

Every now and then, I swallow my hands.

And then...

I throw my hands up in the air sometimes,
Saying ay-oh, got to let go.

#244

When protecting her musical instruments from the elements, she was very thorough. She always made sure that she covered all her basses.

#243

For hospital administrators, the most important area of mathematics is the order of operations.

#242

Which novel by Charles Dickens tells the story of a young man convicted of indecent assault?

David Cop-a-feel.

#241

Why do the police carry Tasers?

To charge people.

#240

Who is Krishna? Would he like to borrow my razor? I am referring, of course, to Hairy Krishna.

#239

I want to buy a long, narrow inlet between cliffs, but I can't affjord it.

#238

I want to buy a car, but I can't afFord it.

#237

Teacher: Use the word despise in a sentence.

Student: De Spise girls are my favourite band.

#236

Teacher: Use the word Tardis in a sentence.

Student: The tard is trying to eat his pencilcase.

#235

The angry birds launch furious attacks at self-satisfied pigs who lie around doing nothing all day. It's Gender Studies the video game!

#234

What do you call a domesticated wildebeest?

A tame-e-beast.

#233

Drinking alcohol can be whisky.

#232

The aspiring actor auditioned at the bakery every day, but never got a roll.

#231

I enjoy tidying my room by myself. I feel like the Lone Arranger.

#230

Call me a crotchety old fool, but I quaver with rage at even the most minimal of puns.

#229

Human cannons don't worry about their job security. They have no fear of being fired.

#228

He was a Brielliant swordsman, even with a cheese knife, and one quick thrust produced a Fetal wound. He rode away, leaving behind the Gruyèresome corpse of the one who had dared to challenge him. The tale of the Big Cheese would be told fromage to age.

These puns are getting too cheesy.

#227

While burning a Protestant minister, Catholics would often throw tomato sauce on him, as it goes well with pastor.

#226

A: What's the word for stealing money that you've been trusted with?

B: Embezzle, my nezzle.

#225

A: That was a brilliantly funny gag.

B: I'm surprised that you hadn't heard it before. It's an old choke.

#224

What do you call a man wearing a sequinned leotard and coughing?

Phlegmboyant.

#223

Are there optometrists at Apple stores? I think I have an iProblem.

#222

German anti-sexual harrassment slogan: Nein means nein, or vun more zan eight.

#221

Dentist: Say 'E'.

Fangirl: I don't, like, know how to.

Dentist: Here's a picture of Justin Bieber.

Fangirl: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

#220

When I was a child, my parents bought me a pennywhistle. It was the only kind of piercing I was allowed to have.

#219

Some people believe that the Apocalypse will happen this year.

Adele is currently at the top of the charts.

It isn't over until the fat lady sings.

#218

A: Have you considered this place for your holiday?

B: It's on my list, but only as a last resort.

#217

A: It's not every day that you hear someone say that they will abandon drugs.

B: Really? It's quite common to hear of a band on drugs.

#216

The leader of this community of monks is an android. The abbot is a bot.

#215

Cucumbers are very difficult to carry. They are so cumbersome.

#214

A: We've been in the Himalayas for a month now, and we still haven't seen an abominable snowman.

B: Not yeti.

#213

A: I hope they build that proposed bridge. It'll make my journey to work much shorter.

B: Things are always shorter when abridged.

#212

I maintained my protest against the use of washing machines for a long time, but eventually I had to throw in the towel.

#211

A: Do you think that Emily and Holly might enter the American film industry?

B: Emily wouldn't, but Holly wood.

#210

Waiter: What would you like to order?

Diner: Wonton.

Waiter: One tonne! Of what?

#209

A: Ah, Paris: the city of love!

B: I find that the capital of Italy is more Romeantic.

#208

A: Do you think that my poem would be improved by another verse?

B: No, that would definitely have an adverse effect.

#207

What do couples do on boats?

Canoedle.

#206

Next week our church group will stage a protest against the sinful practice of transmitting documents via telephone lines. We are currently painting banners which read GOD HATES FAX.

#205

Why would noone expose their rear end to Elphaba?

Because noone moons the wicked.

#204

A: Thank you for the chocolate, much appreciated.

B: Actually, now that you've eaten it, it's probably much depreciated.

#203

A: Why are we doing it this way? This is madness.

B: We're doing it this way because THIS. IS. SMARTER.

#202

In breaking news, a man has released an alternate version of I Am Woman, Hear Me Roar, entitled I Am Woman, I Shouldn't Speak. Naturally, this has caused an uproar. Most critics are speaking in a calm and civil manner; despite the furore, only a few roar.

#201

Catholics and Protestants are generally on good terms nowadays. Sometimes, representatives from various churches meet for a meal, to promote dialogue and unity. However, these meals are never barbeques, as this would reignite painful memories of burning at the steak.