#29

I have news of a recent advancement in seal clubbing technology. The latest clubs are fitted with a button that pops up when the seal is broken.

#28

A friend just told me:

"It's good to see that the penguin in your blog is moving up in the marine world to sitting atop whales, because we already knew that the pen-guin was mightier than the sword-fish."

#27

As I was waiting at the tram stop yesterday, a balloon, buffeted by the wind, found its way into the middle of the road. The light was red. I watched horrified, fascinated, but helpless in its plight.

The lights turned green. As the motors roared, it shifted about half a metre, until it was directly in line with the approaching tyre of a blue Holden sedan. Years from now, I will relive that scene, and wonder whether I could have saved a life by calling out a warning. But hindsight is always 20/20.

The whole world went into slow motion. I saw it before it happened. And, for a brief, happy moment, I thought that the car might be buoyed up and pass over, leaving the balloon unharmed. But both logic and gravity have neither hearts nor sympathy.

Like a male widow spider, it popped and perished.

#26

I went to a tableware magic show. There was a saucerer with a dishy assistant. But they were shattered when the audience realised that it was all a crock.

#25

A friend argued that my blog logo features an Orca, not a porpoise. (The validity of the porpoise has been brought into contention previously in #13.)

I suggested that it could be a porpoise in an Orca suit. He replied, "I don't think porpoises are capable of Orca-strating such a feat."

#24

The coolest scientists are nuclear scientists. They are da bomb.

#23

Many consider Oscar Wilde to be a homo-geneous.

#22

Yesterday, Monday, must have belonged to the number one. And tomorrow, Wednesday, must belong to the number three. For today is Two's-day.

I wonder whether Rebecca Black would be willing to sing that.

#21

In Soviet Russia, the object of the original sentence performs the verb on you!

#20

Who's the most rapid singer in the world?

HemiDemiSemi Lovato.

#19

How to make a "that's what she said joke" even when it seems impossible:

1. Wait for someone to say something for which the reply "that's what she said" would not work at all.
2. Say, somewhat halfheartedly, "That's what she said."
3. The person will reply, "That doesn't work." (Or something similar. Usually.)
4. Say, triumphantly, "That's what she said!"

#18

When people discriminate against you for being Swedish, ignore them. Don't let haters bring you down. You were Bjorn this way, baby.

#17

It appears that the world has not ended. I'm disappointed because I had a line ready: "Cut, print, that's a wrap-ture!"

"Jesus wept." - John 11:35

#16

One day when I was at school, I walked into class ten minutes late. I declared, "I'm here: let the party begin."

My friend replied, "You know, as soon as you arrive, we hide all the balloons and streamers and shit."

#15

What kind of music traditionally heralds new management?

Bossa Nova.

#14

I heard some music with a walking bass line accented with rhythms on the upbeat. Now I am ska'd for life.

#13

My sister presented me with a three-part critique of my logo:

1. That is not a porpoise.
2. That is a killer whale.
3. That penguin is lunch.

#12

A: Would you like a hand?

B: One day, you will say that to an amputee, and you will regret it.

#11

What citrus confectionery can be found at the races during the Spring Carnival?

Orange tarts.

#10

A friend just asked me, "What's the porpoise of your blog?"

I have good friends.

#9

For newly ordained clergy, the world is their cloister.

#8

Why do computer programmers feel faint?

Because they're constantly parsing out.

#7

You can't separate girls into two distinct categories of straight and lesbian. There's no clear dyke-otomy.

#6

Playing loudly is not my forte.

#5

Ever wondered how they get that stopped vibrato on the shakuhachi?

Well, have you ever tried playing a woodwind instrument during an earthquake?

#4

Many in the US military are relieved to have fulfilled their mission to kill Osama; for they had bin Laden with a tremendous burden.

#3

Whoever said "a problem shared is a problem halved" did not have an STD.

#2

To survive in the icy wastelands of the Arctic takes great ing-Inuit-y.

#1

Did you mean to ride back to shore on a marine animal?

Yes, of course. I did it on porpoise.