Penguin on Porpoise

A: Why will there be no post tomorrow? B: I don't know, A. Why will there be no post tomorrow? A: Because, after six years, four Blo...

"Why aren't we chasing after that board game? We know that he wrote his plans on the general knowledge questions." Sherlock ...

What do you call the linguistic philosophy of insulting the work of playwrights? Diss-script-ivism.

What did the cannibals call the cooked buttocks of the president? Trump steak.

What attracts metal and owns a lot of mines? A mining magnet.

A: I have never been so insulted in my life! B: What happened? A: They said that I was too stupid to organise a double date. B: Well, ...

What did the customer who preferred very mild coffee say to the bartender who would only be working there for seven more days? "One w...

"My keen powers of observation are what allow me to court other owls," explained the owl, "you have to wit to woo."

Which formula one driver was known for autographing footwear? Michael Shoe-marker.

Teacher: Use the word debasement in a sentence. Student: Under de house, you will find de basement.

A: I've been enjoying remixes of my favourite songs without the lower instruments. B: What a horrible act of de-bass-ment!

What do you call a bad actor playing a cyber criminal? A hack.

Did you hear about the two whingers who fell in love? It was lament to be.

When underwear is extremely cheap, the receipt is negligée-bill.

When asked to comment on their view of Darth Maul, the Jedi decided to let Qui-Gons be Qui-gons.

How do rowing teams maintain a steady speed? They use crews' control.

A: Did you see the news? B: The plane crash? A: Yes! It was horrifying. I could never be a flight attendant. B: The good news is that ...

As it reached the large intestine, the worm shivered with a wave of realisation; this was the beginning of the end.

"Help," cried the cook as the flames engulfed him, "I'm in my element!"

What do you call someone who owns a lot of buildings where wheat is ground to make flour? A mill-ionaire.

What kind of salamander chops down the most trees? An ax-o-lot-l.

What do you call the sound that your stomach makes when it is hungry for liquor? Rum-bling.

What do you call the coordinator of a telephone switchboard who reviews classical singing performances? The opera-rater.

Why do people with coeliac disorder never do squats? They're allergic to glutes.

What cheese is the least favourite of prisoners? Fetter cheese.

What do you call a scorned woman who ruins jokes? A funny foiler.

What do you call a rural gigolo? A plowman.

Nicole fiercely guarded all the objects that she had torn from the grasp of others; they were her prised possessions.

Which fictional bear is the softest fictional bear? Padding ton.

The career of an ornithologist is terribly birdensome.

What do you call disgusting purchases from a supermarket? Gross-eries.

What do fruit vendors use to provide evidence for their opinions? Facts and fig-ures.

What do you call a nasty priest? A meanie-ster.

What do you call the study of irate farmers? Angry-culture.

What do you call an homage to a shoe? A tri-boot.

A: Why wasn't there a post yesterday? B: The writer was too angry about the lack of electricity to write anything. A: What do you me...

What kind of fabric is named after the creases left in it by buttocks? Sat-in.

What is the appropriate way to phrase a request for the withdrawal of a record from a playlist? "Scratch that."

What do you call the students of a church furniture designer? Pew-pils.

Tahlia the rugby referee hated high-scoring games; they were always a trying time.

What is a bird's favourite scientific instrument? A beaker.

What do you call it when archaeologists hold a party where they gather leg bones? A shindig.

What is the favourite team building exercise of bakers? Crust falls.

A: Out of all the ancient cultures, the Egyptians had the coolest cats. B: No, the coolest cats were in the Jazztecs.

What did the miner say about the other miner who had found a vein of ore? "Get a lode of this guy!"

"Boo" - ghost heckler --- Ben Volchok is on Twitter . His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Show and the Case of the Stolen Fac...

If they printed the weather on coins it would be climate change. --- Ben Volchok is on Twitter . His show Ben's Illustrious Fact Sh...

I really appreciate you getting me this Mexican walking fish. Thanksalotl. --- Ben Volchok is on Twitter . His show Ben's Illustrio...

Talk Chalk Hawk Cork Dork Pork Stork Fork Balk Orc Squawk Torque New York Peter Falk Mickey Rourke (I have committed walk rh...

"Words cannot express how much I love you" - Wittgenstein breaking up with someone --- Ben Volchok is on Twitter . His show B...